♪ You suck at cooking yeah you totally suck ♪ It’s a myth that hot chocolate is called ‘hot chocolate’ because it involves bringing chocolate to a high temperature. The truth is, hot chocolate means using ‘hawt chocolate’. So it’s important to start with a chocolate that you find the hottest. For this first cocoa powder-based hot chocolate, you might consider a hot, tattooed barista cocoa powder, or a can of hot lumbersexual cocoa powder. I’ll use one tablespoon (15 ml, about 5 g) of each to mix the best of coffee making expertise with the ability to look rugged while having no idea how to operate a chainsaw. I’m heating up one cup of milk first but making sure not to boil it… …exactly not like that. Once it’s hot, it makes mixing the cocoa super easy. If the milk is cold, you’ll be in hell trying to mix that up, which is ironic because hell isn’t cold it’s hot. It’s full of fire and brimstone and shit, so you’ll want to try to avoid that. The whisk is a great tool to use for maximum declumpification. I’m adding in a pinch of salt to cut the bitterness and to enhance the flavor of everything all the time. I’m adding in 3 teaspoons (15 ml; 20 g) of honey to sweeten it. Check it for W.A.B.S. then adjust the sweetness and the chocolatiness to your liking. Don’t let the MAN tell you how sweet or how chocolatey to have your hot chocolate. Let me tell you instead. 3 teaspoons of honey. [sips] mmm…. That’s a damn fine cup of hot chocolate/cocoa. For hot chocolate number two, I’ve got artsy hot semisweet baking chocolate and some hot intellectual semisweet baking chocolate which allows us to infuse the beverage with beautiful insights, stimulating thoughts, and the ability to speak with aggressively abstract, off-putting confidence. We’ll put in 4 to 6 squares of that semisweet chocolate. We’ll just get that milk heated up… [milk sizzling] Let’s ignore that boiling again… For me, this is already complete. It’s sweet enough. It tastes good. You might want a little brown sugar, half to a full teaspoon (3-5 ml or grams) Then I’m gonna razzle dazzle this one with 1/8 of a teaspoon (0.6 ml; 200 mg) of ginger powder. If you don’t like awesome things, I recommend not adding the ginger because this kicks major ass. [sips] Mmmmmmmmmm… That’s a damn fine hot chocolate. If you’re not interested in making homemade hot chocolate, you can get a packet from the store. Simply mix it together with boiling water. Then pour it into your bottle, get inside your crib and read a nice story. 🙂 “There once was a little boy who
wanted to make hot chocolate,” “But he was too scared to put
the ingredients together himself.” “So he made it from a package.” “And instead of growing up,” “He spent his whole life being
a big, big baby.” “And then he realized that he
just had and adult baby fetish” “And he found a partner who was totally into it
and they lived happily ever after,
free from the judgement of society.” The end. For the third hot chocolate, which is a deep, mysterious and complex hot chocolate, we’ve got hawt surfer 85% dark chocolate and some hawt raver 85% dark chocolate. This combines two of the world greatest athletes: the surfer is more of an explosive energy athlete, while the raver is an endurance athlete. But what’s hawter than these two hawt chocolates? The hawtest chocolate of them all: the chocolate that’s just being itself. The chocolate whose identity isn’t based on how big of a wave it can surf, what subgenre of minimal tech it can identify, how many Nietzsche ideas it can articulate, how rugged it looks. It’s just chocolate not needing to be anything other than chocolate. [snaps] Just kidding you lazy f*ck, develop a style and be cool like the rest of uhh- of other people who have- figured out how to do that… without trying too hard. Or don’t… I’m not sure. We’ll take 3 squares of the 85%, 1 cup (240 ml) of milk 2 or 3 teaspoons (10-15 ml; 15-20 g) of maple syrup, a couple drops of vanilla, and we’re bringing that salt back. This is a good hot chocolate if you wanna tell other people that they probably don’t have the palate to enjoy something so sophisticated. [sips] Mmmm, that’s a damn good hot chocolate. And now you have an important decision to make. Should you put marshmallows in your hot chocolate? The answer is simple. Look into your heart, think about what you like, and then say NO, you should not. The reason why is because marshmallows are objectively bad. They’re really just a gimmick because marshmallows float. It’s like reverse bubble tea. And if you think marshmallows are good, let’s do a quick comparison against other sweet things. Marshmallows vs. Jujubes Marshamllows vs. Sour Keys Marshmallows vs. Chocolate Covered Almonds Marshmallows vs. Stroopwafel Marshmallows vs. Old Man Mints Marshmallows vs. A Shot of Molasses Marshmallows vs. Pizza Crust Marshmallows vs. A Honey Dipped Powerstone Marshmallows vs. A sponge with sugar sprinkled on top I think I made my point, but just to be a good sport I’m gonna- [sip] [smacks lips] Yup, nope, totally wrong. Marshmallows are excellent with a classic hot cocoa. But keep them the f*%# away from the other two hot chocolates. Have some dignity will you? Or don’t. Just put marshmallows in everything, why don’t you. [sips] In any case, this hot chocolate
will get you through winter. Or if you’re living somewhere hot, it can also get you through the winter of your discontent. Milk those negative feelings for all they’re worth and bring yourself back with with the delicious taste of homemade hot chocolate. [sips] Mmmmm… MMmmm… Mmm… MMMMMMM ♪ It’s getting just a little bit frosty outside as I feel the grip of the cold ♪ ♪ Got to keep all toasty in here as winter starts to take a hold ♪ ♪ Winter’s coming as the temperature plummets and you know there’s an approaching snow ♪ ♪ I can bundle up all I want but there’s only one thing to make my insides warm ♪ ♪ Well, hot chocolate, I want it ♪ ♪ Pick up a bug and I put it in my pocket ♪ ♪ Got to be careful when I’m not walking ♪ ♪ Cause that’s how you burn your pants ♪ ♪ Walking around with a chocolate stain on my fresh white slacks and it ain’t even spring ♪ ♪ The seasons pass and my cravings rise ’cause winter’s coming fast gotta heat up my insiiides ♪ ♪ Fight the cold grip, take a big sip, get it in your lips, hot chocolate, can’t stop it ♪ ♪ A force to be reckoned with the best of the beverages ♪ ♪ Open up your gullet and throw down the contents ♪ ♪ Warm all your insides with that molted chocolate ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ Mmm. MMm. MMM.